Dealing with Difficult people at work: HOW TO WIN
I have many accomplishments in this life of which I am proud. One of them is that I’ve never been to jail.
Nope.
Another is how I have taken on dealing with difficult people.
See, I’ve refrained from leaping across desks at jerk coworkers who - quite frankly - may have deserved it.
Like that time one of them threw down a tattered “big girl” dress onto my desktop while proclaiming, “I’m sorry I made you stay late last night. Here’s a little something you might like. It doesn’t fit me after I lost all this weight.”
Now, I was tempted. Oh, I was tempted. But did I go to jail that day?
Nope.
To say I was shocked at her meanness is an understatement!
The Truth about Dealing with Difficult people
I’m making light of a very real truth: we all end up dealing with difficult people at work. Now, that fact, may not surprise you…but these stats might:
Employees spend about 2.8 hours each week involved in conflict. (CPP, Global Human Capital Report 2023)
60% of employees have received some kind of conflict management training. The rest of us are left to figure it out - or - avoid it, which is what many people do.
Only 5% of employees who experience conflict will actually quit their jobs as a result.
That means: We don’t leave - like we say we will. Instead, we continue to work…and the stress of conflict leads to burnout, depression, illness and - potentially - termination.
It comes down to this:
we all end up dealing with difficult people,
but we don’t always deal with the situation.
And, that needs to stop…because avoiding dealing with difficult people at work can kill your career, and drastically hurt your mental health.
This is how some workplace bullies will “hook” you into conflict
The National Bullying Prevention Center points out that “ignoring the problem will not make bullying go away. In fact, it often makes the situation worse, because it sends a message that the target is unable to do anything about the behavior and that gives the bully emotional satisfaction.”
Personal note: I’ve dealt with bullies all my life. My body size, skin color, gender and many other traits have made me an easy target on playgrounds, coffee nooks, board rooms and executive meetings. If this is you, too - on any level - hear me clearly:
There is no room in this precious life to be tolerating someone else’s BS, simply because they don’t know how to handle their own fears and insecurities.
I believe love IS the ultimate answer, but sometimes you gotta show people the door so they can stop using you as a distraction and reason for their own self-loathing. Tough love is very real.
Now I don’t know about you, but I don’t go to work or out into my community every day just to feel bullied. I am - some might say - quite good at dealing with difficult people at work, at home - heck, everywhere. I manage the situation head-on.
Sometimes that looks like walking away to preserve my mental health.
Other times it has looked like telling someone very directly that they are unwelcome in my presence and in my home and they would be wise to avoid me, lest they want me to treat them with a low level of respect.
So, how can you win at dealing with difficult people at work? Well, I’m glad you asked.
fOUR WINNING STEPS TO Dealing with Difficult people
Here’s four winning steps to dealing with difficult people at work that I frequently talk about in my Calming Conflict team workshop:
Doing this will dramatically improve your success at dealing with difficult people at work
Pause - Breathe deeply for 30 seconds - even if you’re in the middle of conflict - so you can break up your internal riot before you deal with any external conflict.
Connect with your body and take note of where you physically feel the biggest impact of dealing with this difficult person. Regulate that response by breathing and letting that rich, oxygenated blood pump into those muscles before you take your next step.
Assess - Get logical.
What’s really at stake here for you and the other person / people?
What are you ultimately trying to achieve?
What are they trying to achieve?
Is there any mutual win to be achieved?
What do you see as the true source of your conflict?
What is at risk of being damaged as a result of this conflict? Are there very real outcomes - risks and rewards - associated with achieving your goal?
ASK questions of the other person, if you’re able. Be curious about them and what they see. People will always forgive a question before they forgive an assumption.
Choose - Choose to see the other person as exactly that - a person, with real feelings and very human needs, just like you. Be intentional and mindful with your words, your actions, the setting & timing of your conversation. They all have a deeply powerful impact on your success in dealing with difficult people at work. (Again, if you want to know what to say and when and how - and get some practice with it - my workshop, Calming Conflict, is awesome for teams.)
Take Action - Finally, move swiftly and decisively in the direction of both your inner peace and a mutually-beneficial next step in dealing with this difficult person - even if it means walking away to have the discussion another day.
“agreeing to disagree” does not = Dealing with Difficult people at work
Many of us have been told that it’s fine to leave workplace conflict at the place of “let’s agree to disagree”. I know now - after years as a working woman, and 14 years as a coach - I believe that “agreeing to disagree” is helpful only in diffusing momentary tension when dealing with difficult people at work.
Do not let conflict rest there, though. It will fester and potentially support future conflict.
We won’t always agree on perspectives, but we MUST observe guidelines for safe behaviors at work. In other words: Gary and I don’t have to agree on everything. Hell, we don’t even have to like each other. But, we damn-well better know how to treat each other with respect and basic human kindness when we’re at work. Conflict must be worked-through with discussion and validated by consistent behavioral change. It is the only way to even hope of mending broken bridges.
Dealing with difficult people at work is a very real thing. The causes of our conflict can be many, and they’ll never go away. We’re human, and our very nature is to explore, be social and survive. To that end, there will always be disagreements, different viewpoints and growth.
Not every moment of dealing with difficult people at work leads to arguments, though. In fact, some of my most favorite people on this planet are my friends BECAUSE we had a disagreement that we worked through, and it forged the foundation for a beautiful and honest friendship. Don’t fear dealing with difficult people at work. Rise higher than the source of conflict and create some magic from it all. It IS possible.
