Feedback Monsters: How To Recognize And Overcome Them For Success
How feedback Monsters work to either drive your success or hold you back
Not long ago – the morning after I’d delivered a team workshop for a client – I felt a rising anxiety that something was very wrong. As I poured my coffee, I realized that I hadn’t heard back from my client about the success of the workshop.
I didn’t know if they loved it or hated it.
I didn’t know if it had helped achieve their goal or if it had flatlined.
I didn’t know if they had anything to say about it all - a fate worse than hearing it was bad!
See, not getting feedback and / or not understanding how feedback works is one of the most dangerous scenarios we can be in as professionals. And, it's not an uncommon problem to have.
In fact, women are 20% less likely to receive actionable feedback that can contribute to their performance and growth at work. And - there's no shortage of managers out there who don’t offer healthy, useful feedback. Why? Because 44% of managers say that providing critical feedback is difficult or stressful.
The absence of feedback means we have a critical void in our professional development pathway - a blindspot, a gap of information we need in order for us to do, get and be more. I like to say that if you’re in this troubled spot, you’re dealing with what I like to call “a feedback monster”.
Meet your feedback monsters
Feedback Monsters are an internal voice that says a lot of well-meaning BS to us: negative, inaccurate or inflated narratives in order to try and make sense of our blindspots that only exist because of either a lack of feedback or the presence of unproductive feedback. It’s like a mushroom: it thrives in the dark and eats a lot of sh*!. Feedback monsters don’t care how feedback works, nor do they want you to understand how feedback works. They’re happy right where they are because: comfort zone!
A feedback monster can inhabit many forms and is always fear-based.
It can be a tricky thought-troll that encourages us not to ask for feedback because “we’re just not that important”.
It can be a whiny whisperer that yearns to be validated even after we’ve received feedback. (“They didn’t say they loved it, so it must not have been good enough!”)
Feedback monsters - aka, our inner narratives - don’t mean to harm us. They’re actually just doing one of their many jobs: trying to protect us by rushing to make sense of our challenges - or preventing us from even seeing them in the first place. It’s a protective thing! And, yet, it’s one of the most destructive challenges we can ever have…because it prevents us from growing.
BANISH your feedback monsters
To rid yourself of a feedback monster, take these steps:
Step 1: Recognize the unhelpful feedback narrative
Some of the most common feedback monster narratives I’ve heard my clients tell me they’ve experienced (and the outcomes they’ve had because of those false narratives) are:
“You’re not enough” - so they try extra hard to get others to like them and tell them they’re great.
“Your work isn’t enough, so you don’t deserve a break” - so they overwork themselves with little to no direction on how to actually improve their performance.
“You look stupid and are totally unqualified to speak at this table” - so they stayed quiet and didn’t voice their ideas.
“You don’t need to improve! No one is riding your back. Don’t worry about it” - so they began to coast on the job.
“Everyone loves you, and if they don’t, too bad for them” - so they stopped actively caring for other people or challenging themselves to personally improve.
Any of these sound familiar? None of them are helpful! I think it’s safe to say that we’ve all stood in one of these spaces with a feedback monster driving our thoughts - whether we were - or are - aware of it.
Step 2: Shine some light
Open a window on those narratives by closely inspecting the 3 spaces where feedback monsters love to live in:
Silence - Feedback monsters thrive where things are left unsaid; where nothing is discussed or questioned or examined out of fear.
Remember the adage: “Closed mouths don’t get fed.” be sure you eat. Speak Up.
Misunderstanding - It’s easy to confuse recognition (a simple thank you) for feedback. Yes, recognition can be a form of feedback, but it’s not all that we need to keep growing. On the flipside, vague feedback (unsolicited opinions or criticisms with no direction on how to improve) just don’t cut it. Dig deeper and push back when appropriate.
Isolation - we can be our own worst enemies when we tell ourselves negative, dismissive or falsely-hyped stories about our performance. Seek out trusted mentors and confidants to help you get the feedback ball rolling.
Step 3: Start a new dialogue
Ask yourself:
What is true, and what is a story?
Do I have any proof to validate what the fearful voice in my head is telling me?
If not, move on and tell yourself something good. If yes, it’s time for some real feedback
Ask for feedback - ask for clear and objective feedback that can give you insight that totally changes your game!
The next time you hear the feedback monsters creating some doubt in your mind about your capabilities, pause and shine some light on it. Feed it some knowledge and invite it out for a little fresh air. You’ll always be glad you did.
Oh - and, by the way - I did end up hearing back from my client that day. They were hugely happy with the outcome of the workshop, and I was hugely happy that I had decided to put the feedback monster to rest, even just for a day. ♥
PS: I’ve done some big, bold things in my life and career…and I can promise you that I haven’t done those things without cultivating a high degree of self-awareness. Feedback has been my friend: it has stood me up even after it knocked me down. I took some major leaps out of my comfort zone, though, which is precisely how I support my clients in coaching. In coaching, we ask big questions, take big leaps and do big things - together. If you’re ready to do the same, apply for coaching now and let’s go together where you can’t take yourself alone.