How to Say No: Stand Your Ground & Quell Your Anxiety in Saying Everyone's Least Favorite Word
How to say no.
Ooh, it can be downright tough, amirite?! Yeah, we all know what it’s like to fear saying no for some reason or another. But, saying no doesn’t have to be hard when you know how to do it well - and you get some practice under your belt. So, let’s get to it, shall we?
How Do I Handle the Anxiety of Missing Out or Being Disliked?
… How to say no without feeling like a jerk or backing down
… How to handle the anxiety of missing out or being disliked for saying no
… How to resist the incredible urge to tell a little white lie as an excuse! (THAT will backfire..I promise you this.)
Saying no and setting boundaries are two major challenges my clients consistently face. It’s really no wonder, either. Success is more often built by saying yes than by saying no. But here’s the dish: how to say no confidently boils down to 3 super easy steps - including a script. I’ll give it all to you now.
Ask yourself this honest question:
“How will I feel when?”
I recently went through a string of “no’s” on my calendar. I cleared the deck of a lot of things: invitations to parties, events, lunches, etc. I said no to all of them because I needed some time for me; some uninterrupted days to get stuff done, and – yes – Netflix binge. It wasn’t necessarily easy to do but I stood my ground by answering one BIG question: “how will I feel when?” This is to say: how will I feel when I need to make good on doing the thing I didn’t have the nerve to say no to and I’d rather stick a hot fork in my face than do it?!” Yeah, those feelings.
It’s easier to say no - and stand our ground - when we lean into the reality of how we will feel when we’ve basically robbed ourselves of the opportunity to safeguard our time and energy by just saying no in the first place.
Calm your anxiety with this powerful emotion
There is so much value in having purpose.
So many of us struggle more with the emotion of saying no than the actual act of doing it. Saying no isn’t hard to do - it’s one little word. What’s hard about saying no is the accompanying guilt (i.e. “how awful of me to turn them down.”) and FOMO (i.e. “this could be a good opportunity that I should take…even though I’m exhausted.”).
While these are all valid feelings, what overrides them all is: purpose. Time - like money - often needs purpose; if we don’t spend it or intentionally allocate it, we ultimately lose it. So, the next time you are torn over whether to say no or yes to doing something (and you have the power to turn it down), consider what other thing you’d rather do with that time; what purposeful, valuable, very-needed thing you will do with that time to truly benefit yourself and/or others. Roll deep on this if you have to…check in with your body - does it need rest? Look at your physical environment - does it need tending to? Who or what in your world could better benefit from your time and talent?
Saying no to an invitation gets a lot easier when you know for certain that you’d much rather spend the time doing something that will serve a higher purpose or need.
Trust when I say that I understand the guilt, though…if you’re like me, you were raised in a culture that encouraged you to take advantage of every opportunity that came your way; opportunities to work, invitations to participate, avenues for networking and getting ahead. I was taught to strike while the iron is hot, so to speak. Grateful, humble, hard-working…THAT was the formula for getting ahead. And I believe it still is in many ways…and we also have to make room for one more thing: boundaries.
Stand your ground and set boundaries
Let the pushback fall down.
Inevitably, saying no will lead to pushback…others will plead, compromise, negotiate, and sometimes try to shame us into acquiescence.
But here’s some more truth for you: We teach others how to treat us by our every word and action. Setting boundaries is an important part of letting others know what we're about, what they can expect from us and how we want to be cared for in our relationship with them. It also allows us to reserve our energies and recharge so we can be available to others when they truly need us.
When you say no, you set a boundary.
A healthy one.
Because in saying no to things that do not serve your purpose or give you a major benefit that you honestly need, you’re really saying yes to your personal growth.
You’re saying yes to you - your desires and needs.
And that’s some boss-level stuff right there. I’m just sayin…
I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to struggling sometimes with saying no. I don’t want to let people down. I feel like I sound ungrateful or that I’m not being reliable, kind or loyal if I decline. But, I also know that pleasing someone else now can sometimes mean disappointing myself or others down the road…and that’s a hefty price I’m not always willing to pay.
How to Say No - The Script
So - ya got your worthy reasons for saying no. Check!
You’ve addressed the emotional “ish” that comes with the territory of saying no. Check!
Now, here’s a super simple formula for carrying out the task: Gratitude + Decline + Well Wishes = how to say no confidently. It sounds like this:
Hi (Name),
Thanks so much for thinking of me. I’m absolutely honored by the invitation. Unfortunately, I can’t make it, but - again - thank you! I hope your event is wildly successful!
That’s it! Done!
Most people ask me at this point: “Don’t I need to tell them why I’m saying no? Isn’t it rude not to give an excuse or reason?”
In short, no. And here’s why: you don’t need to explain or justify the reasons for your choices. This isn’t grammar school. You don’t need a hall pass from the principal to move about the hallways of life freely. Yep, I said it.
When you offer excuses for saying no, you put yourself up for some serious judgement if the other party doesn’t agree with your priorities. And that’s on some “heck no” right there. Still - I’m a realist and a coach. My job is to help people breakthrough communication challenges - and we need tools for that. So, IF you’re still really struggling with saying no, you can always use these graceful few lines:
“I totally understand your disappointment, but I assure you this is no reflection on you. I simply can’t make it, and I really appreciate you being so understanding.”
Boom. You’re welcome. Go enjoy your free time!